Question: Why do people do this? You are asked to go somewhere with someone and you tell them, ‘I have other plans’ or you are asked about your weekend and you say, ‘I have plans’. Now, what do you tell the person when they ask ‘what plans, taking care of your animals?’ I get this from coworkers because I am not a socialite and I usually do things spontaneously. should I respond in a professional manner?

Answer: “What plans, taking care of your animals?” – I don’t know about you, but that seems a little condescending to me, bordering on a rude amount of sarcasm. Ah, the office drama; there’s always someone trying to stir up trouble and poke their nose into the business of other people.

From the tone of your letter, I don’t get the feeling you are overly fond of the people you work with, or at least one or two people. It can be hard to work in close quarters with people who annoy you, especially if they keep trying to get personal with you instead of keeping it professional. You get caught in the middle, because while it might behoove you to play nice with your coworkers, you also don’t feel like you should have to tell people the nitty-gritty details of your weekend plans. It’s a difficult situation, and as someone who used to work in an office, I certainly feel your pain.

The truth is, “I have other plans” IS a professional answer; after all, this is a workplace, not a club. Your plans are really not the business of your coworkers; don’t they have work to do? By asking a rude question like, “what plans, taking care of your animals?” they are trying to goad you into a response by embarrassing you. Basically, it seems they assume you are lying to them, that you don’t actually have any other plans. Whether you have other plans is, again, none of their business.

If you don’t want to socialize with your coworkers on your time off (completely understandable) that is up to you. I would not suggest giving your inquisitors any further information; they seem rude (from the example response you provided) and who knows what they might use against you. I would never suggest being rude in response, but I would suggest keeping your answers vague: “I have lots to do this weekend, sorry” or “I’m going out with some friends” should help them realize that you don’t want to socialize with them. Or, if you want to have fun, come up with something creative: “I’m performing at the opera” “I’m having dinner with the President” or “I’m hiking Mount Everest.”

PS – good for you for wanting to keep your personal life to yourself! Too many people treat their coworkers like therapists, revealing all their problems and issues to one another without a second thought.

Question: My husband is a physician and has several offices around the area. One is in a small town and has two women who work there. One is the office manager and the other is his medical assistant. I have known the office manager for years, but only in a “Christmas Party” capacity. She is an older woman and is very nice. The other is a woman in her mid twenties who was hired less than a year ago. I have only met her one time at this past year’s Christmas party. I just met her, we didn’t have a conversation or anything. I didn’t even remember her name.

A little while ago, I received an email with a facebook request. I asked him who it was and he said it was the younger office assistant. I don’t want to add her, because I don’t want her to know what goes on in my life. Is this rude? I thought it was very unprofessional. How should I handle this situation?

Answer: I’ll admit, I’m a Facebook junkie. Working from home allows me to spend way too much time on Facebook, checking out photos, responding to emails, taking quizzes and so forth. Facebook is a great way to stay caught up with friends and family (especially for me, with family in Europe and South America!) and reconnect with people from the old days. It’s also a great way to network professionally, all without leaving the comfort of your home office.

HOWEVER – some people have trouble remembering the boundaries of Facebook, and get a little add-happy from time to time. Facebook, for some, is a new phenomenon, and not all the etiquette has been worked out yet. To answer your question, YES it was quite unprofessional of your boss’ assistant to try to add you to her Facebook, especially since you don’t even know her. Is it possible she has some sort of crush your husband? Maybe she thinks by adding you she’ll get a glimpse into his personal life! It’s awkward and creepy, so good for you for not caving to the request, and clicking “ignore” instead. Her request crosses the professional boundary, and I hope your husband does not let this go silently; he should speak to her about the inappropriateness of her actions.

Regarding Facebook etiquette, here are a few things I wish people would remember:

• Don’t leave personal messages on the Facebook Wall: everyone sees the wall.
• Don’t add me simply because I met you one time at someone’s party/wedding/baby shower.
• Don’t add me simply because we have friends in common. It doesn’t mean I have any idea who you are!
• Parents: don’t add your adult children! And if you do, don’t leave embarrassing messages on their Walls. Bad enough you’re busy tagging humiliating photos from childhood.
• Don’t add your boss, coworkers, clients, or anyone else with whom you work, unless you are actually friends outside the cubicle farm.
• Don’t post photos of yourself that might be humiliating later: once they’re out in cyberspace, they’re there for good. Think before you click “upload.”

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Question: Like you will plan something and either they don’t show up and call later to apologize or they call and cancel right before the time you were supposed to meet? I say I will stop inviting them to do things but my friend says if you like them you should keep trying. What do you do?

Answer: You ask yourself, “Why am I still friends with this person?” The thing is, sometimes life happens; people get sick, or something unexpected comes up, and plans get cancelled. I don’t think most people have a problem when that happens – as long as it doesn’t happen all the time.
When they cancel on you repeatedly, however, they are sending you a message: you are not important to them, and something better has come along. They know you’ll just invite them somewhere else another time anyway, so they don’t even have to really feel bad about it. While you are checking your watch and getting stood up, they are out with someone else enjoying themselves, and probably not giving you a second thought.

It’s rude enough to consistently last-minute cancel on someone, but simply not showing up smacks of utter disrespect. As I’m writing this, I’m thinking of one or two people who used to be in my circle of friends, who have been “cut” from our group – meaning, we simply don’t invite them anywhere anymore. They would RSVP “YES” to an event, and not show up. This was especially annoying when we would be hosting a pot luck, as we would end up with a menu with holes in it. When pressed for an example, they would say, “Oh I wasn’t feeling well” or “I had to go out with my mom” or some other lame excuse. The rest of us would just roll our eyes, since this is exactly what we knew would happen anyway. I haven’t seen them since …. Sometime in the fall? They were supposed to come to New Year’s but for whatever reason, they didn’t make it.

In this day and age of awesome technology, there is no excuse for not at least calling someone to let them know you can’t make it. My 80-year-old uncle has a cell phone, so I’m assuming your friend does too. It takes just a minute to make a phone call, after all!

Bottom line: If your “friend” wanted to spend time with you, they would. If they cancel all the time, or just don’t show up, they are letting you know that they are not interested in spending time with you. Invest your time with someone else who will appreciate you! You don’t have to explain anything; they probably won’t notice you’re gone anyway. Life is too short to spend it waiting for people with no manners.

Question: My boyfriend and I broke up 6 months ago. Haven’t spoken for 3 months. He is now getting married. Anyways, I am starting a new chapter in my life and somebody suggested that I let go of things from the past and write a letter to anybody I might have hurt. She and I didn’t have the best relationship and her son and I also went through some rough times. I would like to simply apologize to her and explain that I always had good intentions. Do you think this is okay or am I crossing a line by writing her?

Answer: You broke up 6 months ago and he’s already getting married to someone else? Interesting. I’m sure there’s more to that part of the story, but since you didn’t provide details, we’ll move on. I also find it interesting that in trying to start a NEW chapter in your life, you’re digging back into your past, and trying to make amends for people you may have hurt. (Is this some sort of post-breakup 12-step program?) What have you been doing in your life to have hurt people?

Since your relationship was with the son, I also find it interesting that you seem to think you may have hurt his mother? How much contact did you have with her? How involved was she in your relationship? You didn’t say how your relationship with her son ended; if you were the dumper, would she have somehow taken personal offense to this? Personally, I think it seems unlikely, unless she is an abnormally sensitive person.

The thing is, your relationship has been over for ½ a year now, and besides this, he is getting married to someone else. Not only are you starting a new chapter, but he is starting one too – with a new person to boot! Your relationship with his mother was never that great, and it’s unlikely that you rehashing old arguments and past problems at this point in the game is only going to make things worse. When the relationship is over, people move on; they don’t usually write letters of apology to the family members.

Bottom line: Do I think you’re crossing a line? Yes, a line of expected propriety. Her son is done with you, and it’s likely she believes she is, too. Whatever harm you did to her (or you believe you did to her) is in the past, and it should stay there. Everyone should move on now, and that includes you.

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Question: I invited a friend to a small party I’m having and she wants to bring her partner. I actually can’t stand her partner and would much rather just have my friend come on her own. Because of this issue, I don’t normally invite my friend to parties. This time I took a chance though and worded my invite carefully to make it clear that I was just inviting her. No dice though, obviously. Is there any way I can prevent her partner from attending?

Answer: Ooh, this is always a tricky situation. You enjoy your friend, but strongly dislike the person with whom they are romantically involved. There isn’t really a polite way to say “Only YOU are invited, not your S.O!” Couples are a package deal, I’m afraid. It can be awkward and uncomfortable to be in this position; having dealt with something similar myself, I can certainly feel your pain.

I know you said that you’re planning a “small” party, but make sure you invite enough people to your party that you will have options for conversation partners; just because this unlikeable person is there doesn’t mean you have to hang out with them, right? You may just have to buck up, put on a brave smile, and remind yourself that at least YOU don’t have to deal with the unlikeable S.O all the time; a few hours isn’t certain death. Mingle, keep moving, and don’t put yourself in a situation where you are one-on-one with them. If it’s conversation snafus that are concerning you, perhaps don’t plan a sit-down dinner where the unlikeable S.O could say something inappropriate. If it’s their behaviour that concerns you, keep an eye the alcohol flow (good practice as a hostess anyway) if you think that could make things worse.

I have to add though – if there is a REAL reason you don’t like this person (say, you had a nasty fight with them, or they caused a scene at a previous get-together) then you could voice your concern about inviting the S.O to your party. Other than that, be prepared to put a smile on your face. Don’t forget though, you can still hang out with your friend one-on-one – even couples need their apart time, right? Schedule some one-on-one quality time with your friend, no unlikeable S.O’s allowed. Chin up!