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November 21, 2009

Cohabitation and Relationship – Final Part: Love me in the morning, or nooky in the night time? And the Bottom Line

(I know I said we were covering the top ten issues to consider when thinking about moving in together; consider this a bonus item, a freebie. After all, what would a discussion about cohabitation be without a discussion of sex and intimacy?)

Remember when I said that money is one of the main things married couples/cohabitation couples fight about the most? Intimacy is the other. It seems strange, right? Why would anyone fight about something that’s supposed to be fun? Well, intimacy in a relationship is always complicated, but when you throw in the complications of living together, intimacy can suddenly become more stressful than you’d ever thought possible.

What happens? It’s like this: Suddenly, instead of being a dating couple whose spare time is spent enjoying each other’s company (in and/or out of bed), suddenly you’re this common-law couple who are, minus the piece of paper, living more like a married couple. Suddenly there are bills to pay, chores to do around the house, dinner parties to host, family time to balance, and romance can seem like the last thing on anyone’s mind. People have jobs that make them tired and irritated; people get sick; lots of things can happen that get in the way of a healthy sex life.

What if, besides all of those issues, you simply have different “clocks” when it comes to sex? You may not have realize it before moving in together, but some people are morning people and some people are evening people (I don’t just mean conversationally!) and somehow you have to figure out a way to make it work. Partner A wakes up in the morning ready to go, but Partner B doesn’t like anyone even talking to them before they’ve been awake for a good ½ hour … it’s a common situation that most couples face, and there are lots of different ways you can make it work.

For example, if one of you is not a morning person, then sex before a crazy work day is probably not going to happen. People are usually rushed enough in the morning without having to find time for sex with a sleepy partner  before hitting the road and getting caught in the rush-hour traffic! However, this doesn’t exactly satisfy Partner A’s craving for an extra-good morning, right? Well, that’s what WEEKENDS are for. For most people, Saturday is a day to relax, sleep in, not have to worry about to work on time. Weekend mornings cater to people like Partner B because it’s not quite as early; they still get the hours of sleep they crave, while Partner A can have the sexy morning they lust for.

For a different example, Partner B is a night time person, whereas Partner A tends to come home and just want to relax, veg out, even go to bed early if it’s been a really long day. What’s Partner B to do? Set up a date night! Just because you’re now living together, it doesn’t mean you can’t have dates, does it? (Even my parents still go out on dates!) Friday night, Saturday night, even Wednesday night, whatever works with your schedule; set aside a night that’s just for the two of you. Cook dinner, go to the movies, have some wine, whatever you like; Partner A will see that, at least now and then, evenings can be sexy too!

What did we do? Sorry, but while BF doesn’t *generally* mind me writing about him, or our relationship, I think I’m going to leave our personal details between the sheets this time. 😉

Bottom Line:

It’s an exciting time, but moving in together isn’t a decision to be made lightly, on a whim. Rather, it’s something that should be discussed about, rationally, before any decisions are made. Don’t get so carried away with the emotional, romantic side of it that you neglect to I’m not saying you need to take my list and make a meeting out of it, but I am saying that it’s important to keep some of these ideas in mind. It’s better to talk about it beforehand, rather than move in and then discover some unresolved problems or issues that now have to be dealt with, while you’re living under the same roof. Don’t panic if you don’t automatically agree with everything your partner says; just try to find a healthy way to compromise that will satisfy you both. Good luck 🙂

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